Christmas activities!

 Thursday night Darran had our annual tree decorating party.

 We always decorate the tree with yummy food and our family.

 I joined in from my hospital room...through Skype!  That way I could see all the action!

 Saturday morning Darran took the girls to our ward's Christmas party.  They ate breakfast and made gingerbread houses.

 And got to visit with Santa!

 After the party they stopped by the mall to mail their letters to Santa.  Then that night Grandpa and Grandma took them by Senske to see their light show and they got to talk with Santa again!  And then they went to the lighted boat parade.  It was a Saturday filled with Christmas fun!

Darran said that Talia loves wearing this hat.  Nothing quite says Christmas like a bowl of cereal with a Santa hat on!

Goal #2...accomplished.

We've met goal number 2...Thursday marked 32 weeks!  It also means today is 31 days in the hospital now...blah.  My doctor told me that I'm the best anti-pardom patient he's had that had to be in the hospital for this amount of time.  It was a nice compliment...though one I wasn't really wanting to have in this lifetime!  This week was kind of a roller coaster of information.  Monday night my nurse came in saying congratulations!  In my confusion I asked her for what?  And she said the baby had moved...she wasn't breech!  Wrong...she's still breech.  Some where in the report it was written down incorrectly.  My doctor double checked and reaffirmed that she is still breech.  I had hoped, maybe selfishly, that this baby would make her appearance before Christmas.  My doctor asked when we wanted to deliver but before I had a chance to even ask he said it would not be before 34 weeks (which he had indicated to me this whole time).  So our plan right now is to deliver on the 26th...the day after Christmas.  And then my fluid amounts have decreased this week too.  Which unfortunately means the odds of the doctor being able to turn her have now become much more slim so we still head towards a C-section.  My fluid level was at a 2.9 on Wednesday - that's the lowest it has been since coming to the hospital.  But because everything else looks fine we continue to wait.  My doctor ordered daily ultrasounds now so we can keep an even closer eye on it.  Each day it's increased a little more and now seems to be back to the 5/6 range that it's been most of this time.

We were blessed to have Elayna here helping out this week.  After a wild time trying to fly here with the storms happening earlier this week she made it and was able to be home with the girls.  It makes such a difference for them and me when I know someone can be home with them.  We've been so blessed to have so much help...the words thank you just don't seem to be adequate enough.  It makes me kind of sad that this has become quite routine to the girls but it's probably for the best.  When Darran brought them last night they walked by the nurses station and one of the nurses said "must be 5:45."  Apparently we've become pretty predictable.  Somehow I've developed a little routine on my own and they've developed a routine that doesn't involve mom...that way we all have some consistency I guess.  And it's just affirmation that I've always been one to need a routine...and Eliza is my little clone because she needs it too!  Sometimes, ok a lot of times, I wish that I could have a little glimpse of what things will be like a few months down the road.  I just want a little fast forward button to show me that soon enough we'll be miles from this situation.  I was reading a conference talk the other day and came across this quote by Elder Eyring, "Heavenly Father has perfect foresight, knows each of us, and knows our future.  He knows what difficulties we will pass through.  He sent His Son to suffer so that He would know how to succor us in all our trials."  I know this is true.

I had to laugh the other night though...when Elayna was here the girls took turns giving me a wheelchair ride.  We went down to the garden area to see the frozen water fountain outside.  Darran said it was a good night to go out...it was only in the 30s not the single digits like it had been.  As soon as I was outside I had to take a couple of gulps before I could catch my breath!  My body has become so accustomed to my little hospital room that it was a shock to my system.  Boy am I going to have some adjusting to do when I break out of this jail!

Tooth Fairy Time!

This big girl lost her first tooth!

 It had been loose for a couple of weeks but she was nervous about it actually falling out.  When they had come to see me before church she showed me how loose it was.  Then it fell out at the end of sacrament meeting!  Luckily Daddy was able to keep it so she could put it under her pillow that night!

She didn't get much sleep cause she was "so excited!"  When she found some money under her pillow she was thrilled!  And she even shared with Talia!  She gave Talia some of the money the tooth fairy had left her...makes my heart melt.

Christmas pajamas...

Each year the girls get new Christmas pajamas.  We like to give them to them at the beginning of December so they can wear them all month.  They came over to watch the Polar Express on Friday night so they opened up their new pajamas.

 They were excited!  Talia loves that they are "snugly."

 Eliza has been asking for a nightgown for a long time now.  I guess just another time to wear a dress!  She did warn Darran that she would be wearing those pajamas to bed A LOT.

I am part of the Sunday morning routine still.  Since we don't have church until 1:00 Darran gets them bathed and dressed and then they come over to have lunch with me.  And then I get hair duty.  I don't mind at all...it gives me a chance to be mom again for a minute!

Dear Santa...

The other night when the girls were here we wrote letters to Santa.  

 Daddy helped Talia write her letter...

 And Eliza and I worked together on her letter.

I know Santa is keenly aware of what good girls they are!

31 weeks and counting...

On Thursday we hit 31 weeks...which means as of today I've been in the hospital for 23 days AND we are half way to our ultimate goal of 34 weeks.  Somehow time is passing by...though slowly.  My doctor told me the other day he honestly didn't think I would make it more than a week...and here we are.  Which in turn has made him very optimistic about making it all the way to 34 weeks.  That's our "cut off" because he feels that the baby then has a greater risk of infection inside the womb than outside.  I had a visit from a NICU nurse last night and she said the growth and maturity of the baby that happens in just a few weeks is staggering so the fact that we've made it this far is very exciting.  Not to say that complications couldn't arise but she gets further and further away from a lot of risks that she would have had had she been born at 28 weeks.

I feel very encouraged because one of the things they have constantly monitored is my temperature.  They've said from day one if it starts to rise that would indicate infection and we would maybe have to deliver.  Sunday night my temperature started to rise and fluctuated for the next couple of days.  It never rose above 100 degrees but they did do extra tests and ultrasounds and while I felt like crap this little baby just kept on like nothing had changed.  When my fever left I had a queasy stomach and no appetite but again she wasn't phased.  I feel much better now and have wrapped my brain a little bit more around the fact that this girl must be determined to make it to 34 weeks no matter what comes her way.  As of yesterday she weighed about 4 pounds and is measuring in the 60th percentile.  Hospital food has done her good.

So what do I do with myself all day long in the hospital?  In the morning when I wake up I usually order my breakfast, then a nurse hooks me up to the monitor to see baby's heart beat for an hour, and I get to take a shower (thank goodness...it makes me feel so much more human).  Every other morning I get a wheel chair ride down one floor to have an ultrasound.  They measure my fluid level and try to see her practice breathing and few other things.  Sometimes she's very cooperative and other days she's not.  Darran usually comes over and we have lunch together.  Then I spend the rest of my afternoon doing my Christmas shopping online, reading, knitting, listening to Christmas music, watching Ellen, visiting, and napping.  Oh, massage therapy comes every once in awhile...I love them and wish they would stay longer!  Sometimes Darran and the girls bring me dinner or they just come over and visit when they finish their dinner.  Then we visit for awhile before they head home for bed.  They love to watch movies, play on the kindle, check out any new treats I've received, and give me wheel chair rides.  It's always hard to say good bye but they have been such troopers through this.  After they leave I'm hooked up again to the monitor for an hour and then usually call it a night.  Some nights require a little late night TV to help me fall asleep.  My nurses take my vitals every few hours...some are better than others at leaving me along through the night.  The worst is a 4:30 am visit from the lab to draw blood...though that's only happened twice, they tend to come more around 6:00 am...even though I'm here ALL day.

Now that I read over what I just wrote I realize I am anything but exciting right now!  I continue to appreciate the visitors that come by and the many texts, phone calls, and emails I receive.  It's a strange thing to be here knowing it's the right place to be.  But also wanting so badly to go back to my mom/wife role and live that crazy life.  How come we always want what we can't have but don't realize how great it is until it's not there?  I'm often reminded of how fortunate we really are when I hear nurses talking in the hall or watch the news.  I will never disagree that we haven't been blessed through this but it sure doesn't make it any easier on my heart to know what I'm missing outside my hospital room.  Especially with it being the month of December.  We have a lot of traditions and fun things we do with our families but those things just have to be scratched off my agenda.  Good thing it's a guarantee December will come around every year!  

Thanksgiving=30 weeks!

Thanksgiving Day just happened to mark the day of our first goal in the hospital...30 weeks!  So we of course are extremely grateful that this little baby has decided to wait a bit longer before making her appearance.  Darran brought the girls over in the morning so we finished watching the parade and then Elf on a Shelf.  Then they headed over to Dean and Sarah's to enjoy Thanksgiving dinner with family.  Later that night they came back over to the hospital with yummy leftovers for me and to watch Prancer.  My nurse even suggested we take a wheelchair ride up to the pediatric ward to check out the aquarium for a little while.  My Thanksgiving treat.

 Talia spying on the fish.

 Daddy's girls.

At the beginning of November we started our Thankful turkey.  Eliza took it upon herself to make this her project.  Each day she asked all of us what we were thankful for, would write it on a feather, and then add it to the turkey.  They had told me it was getting big but I didn't realize just how big until Darran sent me this picture.  Needless to say we have a lot to be thankful for this holiday season.

Happy Birthday Daddy!

Today marks two weeks of my hospital stay...but more importantly it marks Darran's birthday.  Celebrating in the hospital wasn't really how I pictured his birthday but we made it work.

Nana and Papa gave him some books (one recommended by Uncle Jon).  The night before Grandpa and Grandma came over to give him a gift and eat some yummy treats with us!

I'm never really sure what's going on in their heads...or what exactly they're thinking about this whole situation.  What I do know is they have each other, they have their loving dad, and grandparents and aunts who are taking good care of them.  I can't look at this picture without getting teary eyed.  They love each other and I love them.

Darran requested pizza and wings for his birthday dinner.  Nana and Papa were happy to help out.  So they brought dinner...

...and an ice cream cake for us to celebrate Daddy's big day.

Happy Birthday Daddy!

The night before Darran's birthday Eliza was hard at work in her room.  He didn't realize it until she came out of her room at 9:30 asking for an envelope and then snuck into our room to put a note on Daddy's bed that he would find in the morning.  Darran usually leaves a small gift for the girls in front of their bedroom door on their birthdays since he is gone to work before they wake up.  She explained to him that she wanted to do the same for him...so sweet. 

She wrote this all by herself (when Darran saw it it also got her out of trouble for staying up so late)!  It says "Dad I am glad that you're my dad and happy birthday."

Happy Birthday Daddy...we love you so much!

Darran deserves Father of the Year for all he's done these last 2 weeks.  Words don't seem adequate to express how much he means to me and the girls right now.  We just love him to pieces.

Still hanging on...

I'm still in the hospital and baby is still just hanging out.  That's what we wanted to happen...the longer she is forcing me to continue this hospital stay the better for her.  That's a reminder that is kept constant in my mind...if it weren't, I'd be going crazy.  Fortunately for me I continue to have lots of visitors.  I'm usually not able to recall what the date is or sometimes even what day of the week it is!  But I am receiving a few benefits for my long stay.  My menu choices have increased because "I'm that special" and I get massages every now and then too.  Living the high life.  I continue to get ultrasounds every other day.  Baby is still looking good in each of those and my fluid amount seems to be pretty steady...I've never drank so much water!    

 The girls love to push me around in the wheelchair...Brayden got to join in this night!

 Their favorite things to do when they come visit are play on the kindle (or Uncle Andy's phone in this case), play games, or eat the treats that keep showing up in my room!

Stacie Pratt taught me how to knit these scarves.  Just in time for freezing cold weather.  I swear these 2 are growing like weeds and look a bit older and more mature every time they visit.  

Family Home Evening...hospital style!

No news is good news in this case...so there's not much to report.  I had another ultrasound today and things still look the same.  My fluid level is staying consistent and baby did an excellent job of hiding and moving and making it hard for them to get all their results.  I continue to have lots of visitors which I love!  And Darran and my mom are an amazing tag team right now keeping things together and going for the girls.

 Visit before church with the girls, Darran, Jon, and Audrey.  Good thing for aunts who like to braid hair!  Jon and Audrey helped an incredible amount over the weekend...I can't thank them enough.  And they're willing to come back!

 Family Home Evening in the hospital was a new experience for us but we made it work.  We traced our hands to make turkeys and talked about what we are thankful for.

 And then we ate oreos!

 Family Home Evening is never complete without the treat.

And then we got in a couple of rounds of Princess UNO and sequence.  I couldn't love these 3 people more!

Hurry up and wait!

I guess this would be considered day #6 of my hospital stay.  I'm not sure how time can go by slowly and quickly at the same time but that's what it seems to be doing.  With a constant flow of visitors time seems to slip away a little faster...but then to stop and think about what's going on outside my little room and how much longer we might have time just got really slow.  My doctor came in this morning for a quick chat.  He's never quite as optimistic about my fluid levels as the nurses are but still is not alarmed by them.  My white blood count is still abnormal but getting better...which is just why I have to continue with taking antibiotics.  Yesterday in the ultrasound they saw her diaphragm moving for the first time so that's encouraging too.  Before my doctor left he said, "Now we just hurry up and wait!"  I had to laugh...that's the best way to describe it.  Do I want to fast forward through time right now and be home with all my girls...yes.  Is that the right thing for us to do right now...no.  And so we hurry and wait.

The girls are doing amazing.  They had Jon and Audrey here for the weekend.  Grandma is holding down the fort this week while Darran is at work a little more regularly.  Darran explained to me last night that they understand that I need to be here for the baby.  That we're excited for her to come but that she and I need to be in the hospital until she is really ready.  It's probably a good thing that time isn't something they can put their finger on.  They came by yesterday morning before church and then last night before heading to bed.  When they were here last night our ward came by to give me the sacrament.  I hadn't really thought I needed it...you miss the sacrament every now and then for various reasons so I thought I would be ok.  But when they started to say the prayer I started to cry.  The girls sat and watched and thought it was neat that we could do that.  I felt like Heavenly Father was giving me yet another indication that he is aware of me and my heart.

I had wonderful visitors yesterday...Brittany, Audrey and Jon, Lacey, and of course Darran and the girls.  Lacey shared with me a talk by President Eyring called O Remember, Remember from the 2007 October General Conference.  He talks about writing down each day how we have seen the hand of God reaching out to touch us or our children or our family.  It was something concrete for me to read that kind of gave my an answer to a thought I kept having.  I want to record these happenings and the way I'm feeling but more than anything I want a record of all these small miracles that keep occurring...evidences that Heavenly Father is so close to us during this.  I particularly loved this quote, "...the challenge to remember has always been the hardest for those who are blessed abundantly...with those blessings comes the temptation to forget their source.  It is easy to begin to feel the blessings were granted not by a loving God on whom we depend but by our own powers."  I have had an extremely blessed life.  But I don't want to forget that all of those blessings have come from the Lord.  And I especially don't want to forget during this time that when things become hard the Lord is still by my side...still showering me with blessings.  I may list some of those things I don't want to forget on our blog but I will also keep a personal record of them.  That way I can look back and know we are always blessed in one way or another.  Thanks Lacey!

Life has changed...

I last updated our blog on Tuesday...proud of myself for being pretty current and thinking that we were going to have some fun things to post about in the near future.  Little did I know that our lives would be flipped upside down the next day.  I've always used our blog as my attempt to keep some family records.  We print it in a book each year and it's been a fun thing for us to look back on.  I can't say that I've used it much as a place to express feelings, concerns...in general more intimate happenings in our lives.  But I feel like now I kind of need to.  One so I have a record of what has been going one and two so the family and friends I love can feel like they know what's going on.  That being said...I guess our blog turns more into a journal for me now than it ever has been so you are reading at your own risk!

My water broke on Wednesday...that next day we were 28 weeks pregnant.  Too early for my water to break.  It was a normal day.  I took the girls visiting teaching, we got Eliza off to school, and Talia and I started getting ready to go to a luncheon for a friend who lives down the street.  We weren't going to stay very long cause we had plans to pick up Eliza as soon as school was finished and go have family pictures taken.  At noon I started to help Talia put on her shoes and felt like I had peed my pants a tiny bit.  Not uncommon for this pregnancy since it's happened almost every time that I've sneezed or laughed however I hadn't done either of those things this time.  I didn't think much of it, changed real fast, and we left.  Talia played with the kids while I visited and had lunch.  I got Talia ready to go and we headed to the car.  As we walked to the car my pants started to get very wet...which was kind of alarming.  We drove home and I went straight to the bathroom.  The fluid continued to trickle out and a thousand thoughts were running through my head...surely this isn't my water breaking, should we get pictures taken and then call the doctor (I know...dumb thought), we have so much going on this next little while this has to be a fluke, blah, blah, blah.

I decided to finally call Darran and couldn't get a hold of him on his cell phone.  The office told me he was at lunch so I called Chris and Darran answered.  I told him what I thought was happening and he raced home.  Meanwhile I was lovingly convinced to call my doctor or just go to the hospital...do something...by hysterically calling Missy and Kimberly.  By the time Darran got home I had talked with a nurse who told me to go directly to the hospital and they would be waiting for me.  Papa came to be with Talia and pick up Eliza from school and we headed to the hospital.  When we got there they did one little test and in walked me doctor.  Dr. Kobalter is who I have been seeing throughout this pregnancy.  The way his office and rotation work the odds of him delivering are pretty slim so I was very surprised to see that he just happened to be the doctor on call that day.  He said definitely I had ruptured and that I would now be in the hospital until this baby comes.  It could be a week it could be six weeks.  But I couldn't go home because the simplest thing could make that baby go into labor and we want her to be inside me as long as possible.  So here I am...in the hospital...on bed rest...constantly reminding myself that she is safe inside me and for every additional day she is that's two less days in the NICU for her.

Most women give birth within seven days of their water breaking...right now our goal is to make it to 30 weeks.  That would be Thanksgiving Day...but those extra 2 weeks for her would be extraordinary.  If we made it to 30 then we aim for 32 weeks and if we make it till then our goal would be 34 weeks.  One of our biggest concerns will be her lungs when she is born.  They are not fully developed and so breathing on her own will be a challenge.  The first night we were here and I talked with one of the NICU nurses.  Though I was extremely emotional and really don't recall much of the conversation she was very reassuring that this was the best place for us to be.  Our NICU is amazing and they have the resources and staff to do what they need to do.  When I had an ultrasound done on Wednesday I was told she weighed about 3 pounds which is a good amount and that she was actually measuring about a week ahead of where she was.  They have continued to do ultrasounds every other day...one of the main reasons to check my fluid level.  On Wednesday it was at a 7, on Friday it had decreased to a 5 (though my doctor said realistically a 3), and then they will check again today.  I continue to still leak some fluid but try to replace what I can by drinking a lot and by initially being hooked up to a continuous IV.

The evening that we had arrived in the hospital I did have contractions but they seemed to have subsided.  I was put on magnesium that helped my uterus to relax and they've also given me a series of steroid shots to help her lungs and brain development.  She is breech right now so they have told me I will be having a c-section.  It was not the news I wanted to hear on top of everything else.  If she decides to shift positions on her own, which isn't very likely, they will let me attempt to deliver her vaginally but they're not very hopeful of that happening.  So the waiting game is what we're playing right now.  My emotions come and go but we feel optimistic that things will be ok and really that this is where I need to be.  One of the most amazing things about this whole ordeal is that 24 hours from when we arrived in the hospital Darran and I were supposed to be on an airplane to Utah.  We were so excited to get away together for a few days before the holidays and before we were a little bit more tied down to a baby schedule.  We had plans to visit with family and get together with friends we hadn't seen in ages.  But now my mind can't even begin to process what would have happened if my water hadn't broke the day before.  Would we have been on the airplane?  Would it have happened while we were there?  Our girls would have been in Washington and we would have been in Utah...I really can't even think about it.  And can't stop thanking Heavenly Father for allowing it to not happen that way.

Mom and Dad had been out of town on a business trip so when they flew back home Wednesday night the hospital was the last place they expected to find me.  They have been amazing, as has the rest of my extended family.  I want to be home with my family...I want to reassure them constantly that things will be ok.  But I'm not able to do that...but I know other people are.  My girls are in good hands...their grandparents are who I want to take care of them when Darran and I can't.  Their aunts will step in to help in a heartbeat.  And on top of all of that we have friends and a ward family who are begging to help us too.  It's been completely overwhelming the amount of love, support, and help that we have and still will receive.  It's humbling and a learning process for me but I know I can't do this on my own.  Of course the most amazing person has been Darran.  Nothing like having to step into the roll of Mr. Mom all of a sudden.  He doesn't hesitate to do anything...well, maybe the girls' hair (he all of a sudden wishes they wore hats) but other than that he's superman!  The amount of love and appreciation I have towards him right now can't really be summed up in words.  This has taken me awhile to get going (mostly cause the internet stinks at the hospital) but I do plan on trying to keep this as updated as possible.  Darran mentioned last night we should take pictures of all our visitors.  I wish I would have thought about that earlier.  I have had a constant flow of people coming to see me and it has been the best thing for me.  Time passes so much faster and it's just comforting to feel their support.  Now...if we could just pick out a name!

 My only privileges have been going to the bathroom and taking a shower.  When my doctor gave me permission to take a wheelchair ride the girls were so excited to push me around!

 Each time the girls have come they've been a little more comfortable with me being here...it always helps when I'm not hooked up to every beeping machine in the room.

 Friday night they brought me dinner and we watched a movie together.  A little normalcy goes a long way...and I really just needed their snuggles.

 And it's always good to have a few treats to share...it at least helps Talia feel more at ease.  She loves checking out my little fridge every visit.